What to Send Instead of Flowers: Sympathy Gift Ideas

Flowers are a long tradition, and families often welcome them. But many families ask for something else, or you may want to give something that lasts or helps more. This guide covers thoughtful alternatives. For why flowers became customary, see why we send flowers when someone dies.

What’s the first rule?

Follow the family’s wishes. The Emily Post Institute’s guidance is that when an obituary says “in lieu of flowers, please…” or “contributions to [a cause] would be appreciated,” you take your cue from the request. You may still send flowers in addition, according to Emily Post, but if you’re sending only one expression of sympathy, follow the family’s wishes and choose the contribution.

Also consider faith and culture. In some traditions flowers aren’t customary at the funeral or the mourning period; see before shiva for one example. If you’re not sure, ask a relative or someone from the family’s community.

What are good alternatives?

A donation in memory. This is often the most welcome alternative when the family has named a charity. Giving wisely:

• Give to the cause the family names. If none is named, choose one that meant something to the person or the family
• Write “in memory of [name]” on the check or online form, and include your address and the family’s address so the organization can tell the family. Emily Post suggests confirming with the charity that it will notify the family
• Check that the charity is real. The FTC suggests searching the charity’s name with words like “complaint,” “review,” or “scam,” checking the charity’s website, and using the IRS Tax Exempt Organization Search, which is free. The IRS warns that bogus organizations often claim a donation is tax deductible when it isn’t. Report fake charities at ReportFraud.ftc.gov
• Protect your information. A state attorney general advises never giving your Social Security number or other personal information in response to a solicitation, and giving online only on a secure site that matches the organization
• Keep your receipt. For gifts over $250, the charity must provide a written receipt, according to the attorney general’s tips
• Tax note. The FTC notes that crowdfunding campaigns aren’t tax deductible, and the IRS’s search tool is how you check whether an organization qualifies for deductible gifts. A gift given directly to a family generally isn’t a charitable contribution

Meals. After a death, families often forget to eat or feel too tired to cook. Food is practical, and it tells the family they don’t have to manage every task. Coordinate with others so the family isn’t flooded with food in the first days and nothing later; ask about allergies and dietary needs, and use containers that don’t need returning. A grocery delivery or meal credit can serve the same purpose later.

Practical help. Specific, concrete offers work better than “let me know if you need anything.” Examples: errands, school or childcare pickup, rides to the airport, pet care, cleaning, lawn care, or sitting with a relative so the family can rest. Offer something specific you can follow through on, such as “I’m bringing dinner Thursday” or “I’ll walk the dog on Saturdays.”

A note with a memory. A handwritten note with a specific story about the person is one of the most appreciated gifts. See what to write in a sympathy card.

Photos and stories. A printed photo of the person, or written memories collected from friends or coworkers, can mean a lot, especially for children and grandchildren.

Something living or lasting. Some families like a tree or a plant planted in memory, or a contribution to a bench or a memorial fund. Ask first when you can, since a family may have particular plans for a place or a marker. See memorial products.

Help for children. Families with children often welcome books, art supplies, activities, snacks, or help with school pickup, and a quiet check-in with the adults.

When is the best time to send it?

Many families say the hardest stretch is after the service, when visitors stop coming and the paperwork begins. Funeral-industry guides suggest planning to “show up twice”: once right away, and again weeks or months later with a meal, a call, or an invitation. Notes can be sent at any time; it’s never too late.

What should I avoid?

A funeral home’s guide advises caution with anything that creates work, storage, or decisions for the family unless you know them well: large plants, strongly scented flowers, alcohol, highly personal religious items, expensive gifts that may feel uncomfortable, and food that is hard to store or may not fit dietary needs. Also avoid:

• Anything that asks the family to respond or decide
• Flowers when the family has asked for no flowers
• Gifts that require thanks from the family in the first days, if you can help it (see below)
• Crowdfunding pages you haven’t verified; the FTC advises checking before you give

What about gifts from groups, coworkers, or a team?

A shared card, a donation in the group’s name, or a coordinated meal plan can say what individuals might not, and it spares the family many separate parcels. One person can collect the signatures and contributions, then send one note naming everyone.

If you’re the family: how do I ask for what we’d like?

Say so in the obituary and on any memorial page. For example: “In lieu of flowers, the family welcomes donations to [charity name], [website or address].” Include the full name of the charity and its contact details, as Emily Post’s guidance recommends, and keep a list of donors the charity sends you so you can acknowledge them. Think about whether you’d like meals or practical help too, and say so, or ask a friend to coordinate. See writing an obituary and how to write thank-you notes after a funeral.

If you’re not sure

The simplest options are often the best: a card with sincere words, a coordinated meal, a donation the family requested, or one practical offer you can follow through on. What you say matters more than what you send. See what not to say to someone grieving.

Customs vary by family, faith, and region. This is general information, not legal or tax advice; when in doubt, follow the family’s wishes.