Funeral Etiquette: What to Wear, What to Say, and What to Expect

Going to a funeral brings small, practical worries on top of the emotional weight of the day. These are the most common questions.

What should I wear?

Modest and muted. Advisors at the Emily Post Institute, as quoted by a funeral home, say funeral attire is not limited to black or dark gray. What matters is recognizing the seriousness of the occasion and dressing accordingly, especially if you are taking part in the service. A funeral home notes that clothing is a quiet expression of respect for the person who died and the grieving family. If the family has asked for a particular color or style, follow their request.

What should I say?

Keep it simple. A funeral director says grieving families remember who showed up far more than the exact words, and that simple, sincere statements like “I’m so sorry for your loss” or sharing a memory are always appropriate. See Is It Okay to Say “I’m Sorry for Your Loss”?.

What should I do at the visitation?

Go to the family and express your sympathy with an embrace or by offering your hand, according to a funeral home’s guide. It adds that you need not avoid talking about the person who died, and that talking can help grieving begin. Your presence means a lot. You do not need to stay for the entire visitation, but try not to leave during any prayers being offered.

Should I attend more than one event?

A funeral home advises attending at least one of the events, whether a visitation, wake, or funeral service, if a coworker, friend, or family member has lost someone they love.

Should I send flowers or make a donation?

Either can be a kind gesture. A funeral home notes that a memorial donation in honor of the person is a touching way to show support, and another says flowers are usually sent to the funeral home before the service. See What to Send Instead of Flowers. If you are bringing food for the family, ask first about allergies and dietary needs, and include a note.

What about photos and phones?

Ask first. A funeral home and cemetery advises not taking or posting photos of the service without the family’s permission.

What if I cannot attend?

Send a note. AARP reports that a text or email does not prevent you from following up with a call or a handwritten note, and a handwritten card to the family is a thoughtful way to show you care.

What should I do afterward?

Follow up. Advisors at the Emily Post Institute, quoted by a funeral home, suggest sending a sympathy card or note if you have not already, and calling about a week after the funeral to check in and ask if the family needs anything.

Where can I learn more?

See Should Children Attend Funerals? and What Should You Write in a Sympathy Card?.

This is general guidance from etiquette and bereavement organizations. Families differ, and so do religious and cultural customs, so follow the lead of the person who is grieving.