What Adult Children Should Know About an Aging Parent's Affairs

You do not need to know everything about your parent’s finances. You do need to know where things are and who is allowed to act. This article covers what to find out, what your role means legally, and what to do if your parent lives alone.

What is the single most important thing to know?

Where the important papers are, and who has legal authority. In an emergency, a bank, insurer, or doctor may not be able to talk to you without your parent’s permission. The National Institute on Aging says people can give their okay in advance to places such as Medicare, a bank, or a doctor, and may need to sign a form to do it. Ask your parent to do that, and to name a health care proxy and a financial agent.

Where do the important papers live?

The Institute suggests keeping papers and copies of legal documents in one place, with the location of a safe deposit box and key. Ask to see the spot, even if you do not open anything. Know where the will, the advance directive, insurance policies, and a list of accounts are kept.

Do I need to know every detail of my parent’s money?

No. Know the map, not the balance. If your parent names you as an agent under a power of attorney, you become a fiduciary, someone who manages another person’s money. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau lists four duties: act in your parent’s best interest, manage their money and property carefully, keep it separate from your own, and keep good records. Its guides advise against joint accounts and against paying yourself without approval.

Being a family member is not the same as having authority. The Bureau’s guides are written for people who have been given it, such as agents under a power of attorney, guardians of property, trustees, and representative payees. If your parent can no longer sign a power of attorney, see Guardianship and Conservatorship for Adults.

What if my mother lives alone?

The risk to plan for first is a fall. The CDC reports that about one in four adults 65 and older falls each year, roughly 36 million falls. Ask whether someone checks on her regularly, whether she has a way to call for help, and who has a key. Her doctor can review her medicines and fall risk.

The Eldercare Locator, a public service of the federal Administration on Aging, helps you find local services for older adults. You can search by ZIP code online or call 1-800-677-1116. See Aging at Home vs. Home Healthcare and Talking About Driving and Finances.

What should I know about their wishes for care and living arrangements?

The Administration for Community Living says someone turning 65 has almost a 70 percent chance of needing some long-term care, on average for about three years. Ask where your parent would want to live if they needed help, and what would make them move.

What about their funeral or memorial preferences?

Ask once, gently, and write the answer down. See Talking About Moving, Medical, and Funeral Wishes.

What if my parent does not want to share this?

Respect that, and ask for the smallest useful piece: the proxy’s name and where the papers are. A Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine article suggests starting with listening to what the person values. Try again after a health event, when a parent may be more open.

What should I do next?

Ask where the papers are, ask who has authority, and ask who checks in if your parent lives alone. Then see 10 Conversations to Have With Your Parents While They’re Healthy.

This is general educational information, not legal advice. Laws about wills, guardianship, and powers of attorney vary by state, so an attorney licensed in your state can confirm what applies to you.