10 Conversations to Have With Your Parents While They're Healthy

Most families wait for a crisis to talk about aging, illness, and death. These ten conversations are easier while a parent is well, because nobody is deciding anything under pressure. You do not need to have them all at once.

What are the ten conversations?

1. Who would speak for you medically? The National Institute on Aging says the usual way to name a health care proxy is a legal document called a durable power of attorney for health care. Ask who your parent would trust, and whether that person has agreed to do it.
2. What care would you want, and not want? A living will lists treatments a person does or does not want. A Cleveland Clinic Journal of Medicine article argues that the health care power of attorney is more flexible, because a living will cannot foresee every situation.
3. Who would handle your money and bills? A durable power of attorney for finances names someone to act for your parent, and it stays in place if your parent can no longer decide. It is a different document from the health care one, according to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
4. Where are your important papers? The National Institute on Aging suggests keeping papers and copies of legal documents in one place, including the location of a safe deposit box and its key. Make sure a trusted person knows where that place is.
5. Do you have a will, and is it current? Ask where the original is and who is named to carry it out.
6. Who is named on your accounts and policies? Many accounts and insurance policies name their own beneficiaries. Ask whether those names are still right.
7. Where do you want to live as you age? The Administration for Community Living says someone turning 65 has almost a 70 percent chance of needing some long-term care. See Talking About Moving, Medical, and Funeral Wishes.
8. How would care be paid for? Ask what insurance and savings exist. See Medicaid Considerations for Long-Term Care.
9. What do you want when you die? Burial or cremation, a service or none, and any faith traditions.
10. What do you want us to know, and to keep? Stories, messages, and things your parent wants to give to particular people.

How do I start?

Start by listening. The Cleveland Clinic article suggests beginning with the patient’s own values and goals, and notes that a change in health is a natural opening. A hospital stay, a friend’s illness, or your own planning can all be a reason to bring it up. You can say you are making your own plans and want to know your parent’s.

Take one topic at a time and ask permission. The National Institute on Aging points to two free tools for guiding these talks, PREPARE for Your Care and The Conversation Project, according to Michigan State University Extension. If your parent has Medicare, the Institute says advance care planning is covered as part of the annual wellness visit.

What if my parent does not want to talk?

It is their decision. Try again later, or ask for the smallest useful piece: who should be called in an emergency, and where the papers are. The National Institute on Aging notes that an informed family member may be able to help manage these tasks, and that free legal aid options may be available through your state.

What should I do next?

Pick one conversation and have it this month. Afterward, write down what you heard and ask for copies of any documents. See What Adult Children Should Know About an Aging Parent’s Affairs and Documents Every Adult Child Should Know About. For planning your own, see The Things Worth Organizing in Your 50s.

This is general educational information, not legal advice. Laws about wills, guardianship, and powers of attorney vary by state, so an attorney licensed in your state can confirm what applies to you.