Talking About Driving and Finances With Aging Parents

Driving and money sit at the center of independence, which is why these conversations feel so loaded. Both go better when you start with what you have actually observed.

What are signs that driving might no longer be safe?

Health in Aging, from the American Geriatrics Society Foundation, says some people drive competently well into their 80s, while others have difficulty in their 60s. It lists situations that can signal a problem:

• getting lost, even on short, familiar routes.
• failing to obey traffic signs or signals.
• cutting off other drivers, straddling lanes, or making wide turns.
• reacting slowly to emergencies.
• falling asleep behind the wheel or seeming inattentive.
• becoming easily angered or agitated.
• using poor judgment, such as not yielding the right of way.
• forgetting mirrors, turn signals, or blind spots.
• having trouble judging distances.

It suggests observing the person drive, and not commenting during the drive. Talk once you are both out of the car, and calmly describe what you saw. It also suggests a question: do you feel comfortable letting them drive you somewhere?

What can we do about it?

Health in Aging suggests a check-up, since a provider can also tell you whether any medicines could affect driving, a vision test, and a professional evaluation. A driver rehabilitation specialist, often an occupational therapist, evaluates driving skills. The New York State DMV describes an evaluation with both a physical part, including vision, reaction time, and thinking, and a driving part. If there is no specialist nearby, an occupational therapist may be able to evaluate many driving-related limits.

How do I have the conversation?

Health in Aging suggests enlisting others who share your concern, and rehearsing so you stay calm and caring. Discuss specifics, not blame, with examples such as getting lost on the way to the store. Ask for the person’s own view, because they may have noticed problems too. Expect resistance and anger, since driving means independence. If the person gets agitated, end the talk gently and return to it a day or two later. AARP offers an online seminar for these conversations called We Need to Talk.

Plan for how the person will get around. The New York DMV notes that an occupational therapist can help find other transportation, and the Administration for Community Living lists transportation help among services from Area Agencies on Aging, found through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.

What if my parent refuses to stop driving?

It is common. Involve the doctor, since a professional recommendation may carry more weight than a relative’s. Some states let families report concerns to the motor vehicle agency, and the process varies. In Georgia, for example, a letter with specific examples leads the agency to ask the driver to see a doctor and return a physician’s report, and doctors are not required to report patients, according to a Georgia hospital handout. Ask your state’s agency how it works.

What are warning signs about money?

AARP says to look for unexplained activity in accounts, large withdrawals, and unpaid bills. The Ohio Attorney General’s guide adds unpaid bills from a person who previously paid on time and had the money, a new “best friend,” and sudden withdrawal from family. Bank-industry red flags include powers of attorney the person does not understand. According to the National Adult Protective Services Association, quoted by AARP, the vast majority of cases involve someone the victim knows.

How do I raise it without sounding accusatory?

Frame it around protection and simplicity, such as asking whether you can make bills easier to pay. The District of Columbia Attorney General suggests talking regularly about financial well-being and considering giving a trusted person a power of attorney.

When should I get formally involved?

If bills are going unpaid or you see signs of exploitation or confusion. A financial power of attorney lets a person act, and the National Institute on Aging says a durable one stays in place if a person can no longer decide. Whoever acts must keep the person’s money separate and keep records, according to the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. See Wills, Trusts, and Power of Attorney. If your parent may already lack capacity, see Can Someone With Dementia Still Sign a Will or Power of Attorney?.

If you suspect exploitation, report it to Adult Protective Services and notify the police, according to AARP, and tell the person’s bank, as bank-industry guidance advises. The Justice Department’s National Elder Fraud Hotline is 833-372-8311.

What do we still not know?

Age alone does not decide who can drive safely, and reporting and licensing rules differ by state. These conversations usually take more than one try.

This is general guidance, not medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family’s situation is different; a doctor, social worker, or attorney can advise on yours.