Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities With Siblings

Uneven caregiving is one of the most common sources of tension between siblings, and one of the most fixable. This article covers why it happens and how to share the work more fairly.

Why does caregiving usually fall unevenly?

Often because nobody decides. The National Institute on Aging says in many cases one person takes on most of the everyday care, and it tends to be a spouse or the child or sibling who lives closest. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that families often do not think through who becomes the primary caregiver and what supporting roles others will play. Siblings may also have different ideas about what a parent needs, and old family roles can resurface.

It is not always a lack of caring. University of Illinois Extension says a primary caregiver often goes without help not because relatives do not care, but because of poor communication or a lack of understanding of how much work is involved. It lists four common causes of family conflict. They are disagreements about the primary caregiver’s actions, the financial strain of caregiving, a lack of support for the caregiver or their unwillingness to accept it, and denial of how serious the illness is.

How do we divide the work if we cannot contribute equally?

By type of task. Illinois Extension notes that everyone can do something, even if they are busy or live far away, and that distant relatives can handle paperwork, research local agencies, and make regular calls to the person and the primary caregiver. The National Institute on Aging says to think about everyone’s limits and who is best for each job. Some contributions are money, not time. The Family Caregiver Alliance says families should spell out what the primary caregiver is expected to do, whether there will be financial compensation, and how that will work.

Whoever manages the parent’s money should know the rules. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau says to keep good records, keep the person’s money separate from yours, and get approval before paying yourself.

What if one sibling is overwhelmed and others do not notice?

Say so, specifically. Illinois Extension suggests the primary caregiver list the areas where help is needed and ask for volunteers, and that the family prepare a written plan listing what each person will do. The National Institute on Aging suggests asking for small things first, sending a text or email if face to face is hard, and letting a person choose from a list. Be prepared for some people to say no, and try not to take it personally. For example: “Could you take the Tuesday doctor visits?” works better than “I need more help.”

Should we have family meetings?

Yes, and early. The Family Caregiver Alliance says the best way to re-examine everyone’s assumptions is to call a family meeting as early, and later as often, as possible. Illinois Extension offers ground rules. Include the person being cared for when possible. Let everyone voice concerns. Keep to the present, not past family arguments. Begin by asking for volunteers for each task. Set a date for the next meeting to review the plan. A Minnesota Area Agency on Aging handout adds to pick three or four priorities in advance, and to use a timer if one person tends to dominate.

If I am not the primary caregiver, how can I help?

The National Institute on Aging suggests acknowledging how important the primary caregiver is, asking what would help most, and taking on specific tasks. You can offer to stay with the person one afternoon a week, arrange regular respite, or, if you live far away, travel to stay for a few days so the caregiver can have time off. It notes that a spouse or partner may hesitate to ask for a break, and that just listening can mean a lot.

What if real conflict develops?

Consider a neutral facilitator. A home care company’s article suggests an unbiased mediator when conflict is serious. The National Institute on Aging suggests asking the doctor for a counselor referral, and your Area Agency on Aging, found through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116, can point to local help.

What do we still not know?

Every family is different, and advice from caregiving organizations may not fit every sibling relationship. If there is a history of serious conflict, a professional may be needed.

Where can I learn more?

See Becoming a Caregiver: A Checklist for Getting Started, Caregiver Burnout and Respite Care, and Long-Distance Caregiving.

This is general guidance, not medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family’s situation is different; a doctor, social worker, or attorney can advise on yours.