Returning to Work After a Loss: What to Expect and What Helps

The funeral is over, the casseroles have stopped, and your leave is ending. Going back to work can feel impossible, or oddly welcome, and many people feel both. This guide covers what people commonly experience, what helps, and what to say to colleagues. For the leave itself, see how to ask your employer for time off.

Why is going back so hard?

Grief doesn’t stay home. The Hospice Foundation of America notes that many employees return just days after a loss because they can’t afford time off or don’t have leave available, while others want to get back quickly because routine provides structure and distracts from grief. Either way, the people around you may expect you to be “back to normal,” and you may not be.

What should I expect?

• Trouble concentrating and remembering. Grief writer Rebecca Soffer says “grief brain” is real: you may have concentration and memory problems. What’s Your Grief, a grief-education website, calls this one of the most common symptoms of grief
• Tears at unpredictable moments. Soffer suggests agreeing in advance with your manager that if you’re in a meeting and need to center yourself, it’s fine to step out for a few minutes. What’s Your Grief tells readers to be ready to cry, since grief triggers are everywhere
• Awkward or hurtful comments. The Hospice Foundation of America notes some people say things they don’t mean because they don’t know how to respond to grief
• Waves, not a steady line. Grief can resurface weeks or months later; see why grief hits months later
• A change in how you feel about work. What’s Your Grief notes the job you loved can suddenly feel meaningless. That doesn’t necessarily last, and it’s something to say out loud to someone you trust

How can I plan a gentler return?

• Ask for flexibility. A guide for managers published by the American Association for Physician Leadership says flexibility helps people benefit from the structure of work without being overwhelmed. Consider asking for a lighter workload, shorter days, or remote work for the first couple of weeks
• Be transparent with your manager and HR. Soffer advises telling them you’re having a hard time and which tasks you’re struggling with, and asking for ways to be supported
• Have a colleague double-check your work. Soffer and What’s Your Grief both suggest asking a trusted colleague or your supervisor to check assignments for errors while concentration is foggy
• Schedule breaks in advance, as Soffer recommends, instead of waiting until you’re overwhelmed
• Consider easing in. What’s Your Grief suggests visiting or having lunch with coworkers before you officially return
• Write down intrusive thoughts. If thoughts about your loss pop up while you’re working, What’s Your Grief suggests spending a minute with the thought, jotting it in a journal, and returning to it after work

What do I tell my colleagues?

You decide. Soffer notes you’re under no obligation to share details about your grief, and that it may feel better to share in whatever way is comfortable; you can ask a manager or coworker to share details with your team on your behalf. What’s Your Grief suggests asking HR to share information about grief with colleagues, which can help dispel myths and let people know what not to say. Our sample scripts below are examples written by Everendium:

• To a colleague who offers condolences: “Thank you. It means a lot.”
• When you don’t want to talk: “I appreciate you asking. I’d rather not get into it at work, but I’m glad you care.”
• When you do: “It’s been hard. Some days are better than others. Thank you for asking.”
• When someone says the wrong thing: the Hospice Foundation of America suggests giving your standard response, ignoring the comment, or simply acknowledging the person’s support. Something like “Thanks for thinking of me” works
• When you need space: “I’m focused on getting through the day; I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

How can I protect myself at work?

• Choose one or two people you can lean on, and tell them what helps
• Set small goals. Do the tasks that don’t require intense concentration first, and defer major decisions if you can
• Use your employee assistance program (EAP). The Hospice Foundation of America notes that a local hospice, funeral home, mental health agency, or EAP may offer extra help
• Keep your physical basics going: food, sleep, and movement, even when work is hard
• Ask about your options. See can you use sick leave, PTO, or FMLA to grieve?

When is it more than ordinary grief?

There’s no timeline, as the Hospice Foundation of America stresses. But the same physician-leadership guide for managers says that inability to sustain regular work duties six months after a loss may be a symptom of complicated grief, which is distinct from the usual grief process, requires clinical attention, and sometimes a medical leave. If you’re struggling that long or feel stuck, talk with a doctor or a counselor who works with grief. See complicated grief. If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the United States.

If you’re the manager

If you’re reading this to support someone on your team, see how to support a grieving coworker.

This is general educational information, not clinical advice. Everyone grieves differently and on their own timeline; a doctor or counselor can help if grief feels overwhelming. If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 or call 911.