How to Ask Your Employer for Time Off After a Death (With Examples)

You may be reading this at the worst possible moment. Asking for time off while you’re in shock can feel impossible, so this guide keeps it simple: what to say first, what to put in writing, what you do and don’t have to share, and messages you can copy and adapt. If you can’t write anything right now, ask someone you trust to send the first message for you.

What should I say first?

Keep it short. Your manager needs four things:

1. Who died (the relationship is enough; you don’t have to name the cause)
2. That you’ll be out, and roughly for how long, even if you only know the next few days
3. Anything urgent that can’t wait, such as a deadline or a meeting
4. How to reach you, or whether you can’t be reached

Say it by phone, text, or email, whichever you can manage, and promptly. Oregon’s labor agency, for example, says that when the need for leave is unforeseeable, an employer may require oral notice no later than 24 hours after leave begins, with written notice within three days of returning. Illinois’s department says employees should give at least 48 hours’ advance notice unless it isn’t reasonable and practicable. Following up in writing later is fine.

What should I put in writing?

Within a day or two, send a brief email to your manager and HR. It creates a record and asks the questions you’ll need answered:

• The dates you expect to be out, and that you’ll update them
• A request for the company’s bereavement policy and what documentation it needs
• A question about whether a state or local leave law applies to you; see bereavement leave laws by state
• A request to use available paid leave if bereavement leave is unpaid
• A question about employee assistance (EAP) or counseling benefits, which the Hospice Foundation of America notes can provide extra help

Do I have to share how the person died?

No. You can say “my father died,” and stop. Illinois’s labor department says an employer may require reasonable documentation but may not require you to identify which category of event the leave pertains to. California’s agency says the documentation can be a death certificate, an obituary, or written verification from a funeral home, crematorium, or similar institution, that you may provide it within 30 days of the first day of leave if asked, and that your employer must keep it confidential, disclosing it only as needed internally or by law. In California, for example, you aren’t required to provide documentation before your leave begins.

What if I need more than the policy allows?

Ask plainly and offer options. Many employers will say yes to some mix of vacation days, unpaid time, or a lighter schedule. Grief writer Rebecca Soffer advises being transparent: tell your manager and HR that you’re having a hard time and which tasks you’re struggling with, and ask what support is possible. If your state has a law, mention it politely; see are you entitled to time off when someone dies?. If you need medical leave because grief is affecting your health, see can you use sick leave, PTO, or FMLA to grieve?.

What if my employer pushes back or retaliates?

California’s agency says it’s unlawful for an employer to retaliate against you for requesting or using bereavement leave, and Oregon’s likewise prohibits retaliation. Keep copies of what you asked and what you were told, and contact your state labor agency.

Sample messages you can adapt

These are examples written by Everendium. Use your own words.

A quick text or call to your manager (first hours): “Hi [name]. My [mother] passed away this morning. I won’t be at work for the next few days, and I’ll let you know as soon as I know more. The only urgent item is [X]; [coworker] has the file. I’ll email HR. Thank you for understanding.”

An email to your manager and HR (within a day or two): “Subject: Bereavement leave request, [your name] Hi [manager] and [HR contact], I’m writing to confirm that my [father] died on [date]. I’m requesting bereavement leave starting [date] and expect to be out through [date]; I’ll update you if that changes. Could you please send me the company’s bereavement policy, tell me what documentation is needed, and let me know whether I can use paid leave for any unpaid days? Please also tell me whether any state leave law applies. For urgent work items, [coworker] has the details. Thank you for your support.”

A request for more time: “Hi [manager], thank you for your support. I’m finding that I need more time than I expected. Could I extend my leave through [date], using [vacation days/unpaid leave]? I’m happy to talk about how to cover my work, and I’ll let you know if my plans change.”

A request for flexibility when you return: “Hi [manager], I’m planning to return on [date]. For the first couple of weeks, could we talk about a lighter workload, flexible hours, or working from home on hard days? I’ll also be taking some time off for [the memorial service/appointments]. I’d like to agree on what matters most first so I can contribute where it counts.”

A note for your team (to be sent by your manager): “[Name] is dealing with the death of a family member and will be out through [date]. Please send cards or messages to [method], not to [name]’s work email. [Coworker] is covering [tasks]. [Name] will let us know if and how they’d like to share more.”

What if someone else needs to send it?

A spouse, sibling, or friend can contact your manager or HR for you. Give them the facts above and the contact information, and tell them what you do and don’t want shared.

What about returning?

See returning to work after a loss and notifying your employer and extended family.

This is general educational information, not legal or HR advice. The sample messages are illustrations. Notice and documentation rules vary by state, employer, and the leave involved; your employee handbook, HR, or your state labor agency can tell you what applies.