How to Support a Grieving Coworker

When a colleague loses someone, most of us want to help and worry about making it worse. The good news from people who study grief at work is that the bar is low and the basics are simple. Your presence and consistency matter more than perfect words. This guide covers what to say, what to avoid, practical help, and how managers can respond.

What should I say?

Something short and genuine. The Hospice Foundation of America says that simply offering your sympathy and support is a good way to help. A few phrases you might adapt (written by Everendium):

• “I’m so sorry about your [dad]. I’m thinking of you.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here if you want to talk or if you’d rather not.”
• “I can’t imagine what this is like for you.” Harvard Business Review’s guide suggests this line, adding that if you’ve lost someone too, you can say so briefly instead of describing what helped you
• “That sounds really hard.” BetterUp’s guide for managers and teammates suggests this, and a question like “What’s most important to you right now?” and then listening
• “I’ve covered [the Friday report]. You don’t need to worry about it.”

If you’re not sure whether to bring it up when they return, don’t let discomfort lead you to say nothing; HBR notes that your support and intentions will come through.

What should I avoid?

Drawing on the Hospice Foundation of America and Harvard Business Review:

• Sharing your own loss story or comparing losses. Briefly say you’ve lost someone too, if you have, and leave it there
• Avoiding the subject because you’re unsure what to say
• Asking probing questions about how the person died
• Rushing in with condolences at the wrong moment. HBR cautions against blurting them out right before a business meeting
• Tracking their progress. There’s no timeline for grief, and a colleague may have a bad day months later
• Treating support as one-and-done. HBR notes that grieving takes many forms over time
• Trying to fix it or cheer them up. BetterUp advises not talking someone out of their grief, minimizing their loss compared with bigger losses, or trying to cheer them up, even though it’s the natural reaction
• Clichés. See what you should never say to someone grieving

How can I help in practical ways?

HBR describes two broad ways to support a grieving colleague: doing and being.

Doing:

• Offer to cover a specific task or meeting, and mean it
• Pass along information so they don’t have to ask
• Handle small chores: taking notes, forwarding a summary, or covering a shift
• Send a card, or organize a group card; the Hospice Foundation of America says flowers or a memorial donation from the workplace can demonstrate concern and care

Being:

• Check in again after the funeral and in the weeks that follow; the Hospice Foundation of America advises continuing to be supportive even after the funeral because a colleague may unexpectedly have a bad day months later
• Remember the hard dates, such as a birthday or anniversary, and send a short message
• Invite them to lunch or a walk, and accept a “no thanks” gracefully

Keep offers specific. “Let me know if you need anything” puts the work on them; “Can I take the Thursday meeting?” doesn’t.

What if I’m their manager?

Guidance for managers published by the American Association for Physician Leadership is straightforward:

• Acknowledge the loss without making demands. Death is unfixable; the manager’s role is to be present and to manage the boundary between the employee and the work
• Remember you represent the organization. Your demonstration of support signals that the workplace cares
• Offer flexibility, which helps people benefit from the structure of work without being overwhelmed
• Be patient with inconsistency in performance and attitude after they return
• Prepare the team, in line with the grieving employee’s wishes about what’s shared, perhaps with an expert-facilitated workshop on grief
• Know your resources: BetterUp suggests thinking of yourself first as someone who cares and second as a resource connector, making sure people know about company offerings such as an employee assistance program, and not trying to be a grief counselor
• Know the leave rules that apply to your team; see are you entitled to time off when someone dies?
• Watch for signs of more than ordinary grief. If an employee continues to struggle several months after a loss, a manager might gently suggest talking with a professional. Inability to sustain regular work duties six months after a loss may be a symptom of complicated grief, which needs clinical attention; see complicated grief
• Take care of yourself. BetterUp recommends blocking time on your own calendar to refill your own resilience

What if the colleague who died was on my team?

That’s a different situation, with its own challenges: grief for many people at once. See when your boss or coworker dies. The Hospice Foundation of America suggests that, when a coworker dies, making the workplace supportive and possibly arranging a workplace memorial can help colleagues express their grief.

What about remote coworkers?

The same principles apply: send a message, offer to take on specific tasks, and check in later. A short, private message can feel more personal than a group chat reaction, and a card sent to their home, if you have the address and they’d welcome it, can be a thoughtful touch.

This is general educational information, not clinical or HR advice. Everyone grieves differently; follow your colleague’s lead. If a colleague seems to be in crisis or mentions harming themselves, encourage them to call or text 988 or contact emergency services.