When Your Child's Friend Dies

When a child’s friend dies, parents are often grieving and worrying at the same time. This article covers how to help your child, and where your own feelings fit.

How do I tell my child?

Tell the truth, in language your child understands. A school counseling page, quoting children’s grief center guidance, says that in over thirty years of working with grieving children, they have never met one who was glad to be told a made-up story. The Dougy Center, a national center for grieving children, advises letting children know that any question is okay to ask, and answering the questions they ask, even the hard ones.

What if my child is scared?

That is common. The Dougy Center notes that children and teens often feel more fear and anxiety after a death. It advises asking if they have questions about the death or the person who died, and answering honestly in language they can follow. Try to listen more than you talk.

Should my child go to the funeral?

Let them choose, with enough information to decide. The National Alliance for Children’s Grief says children should be given a choice, but must be given enough information to make it. The Dougy Center advises telling them beforehand what will happen, who will be there, and where and when it takes place. Have a caring adult with them who can comfort and answer questions, and talk afterward about what they saw. See Should Children Attend Funerals?.

What about school?

Routine can help. The Dougy Center notes that when someone dies, everything in a student’s life can feel unpredictable, and that school can offer comforting structure. Let the teacher or school counselor know what has happened, so they can watch for changes and offer support.

What if my child is a teenager?

Tell them as soon as you can, so they hear it from you. The Dougy Center says teens may be curious about details, and that there are no wrong questions. If you do not know the answer, say so. It also notes that grief does not follow neat stages. A teen may go through one of them, all of them, or none.

Is it normal for me to be affected?

Yes. Your own grief is real, even if you knew the friend mainly through your child. Taking care of yourself helps you help your child. A leaflet from Cruse says self-care matters, because caring for someone else can be emotional and draining.

How can we support the friend’s family?

A card, a short message, and a meal can all help. See What Should You Write in a Sympathy Card?. If the death was by suicide, see What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One to Suicide, and ask a specialist about talking with children.

Where can I get more help?

See Talking to Children About Death and Finding Grief Support. Child-bereavement centers and school counselors can help.

This is general guidance from etiquette and bereavement organizations. Families differ, and so do religious and cultural customs, so follow the lead of the person who is grieving.