What to Say to Someone Who Lost a Loved One to Suicide

Many people freeze when someone they care about loses a loved one to suicide. They worry about saying the wrong thing, or about bringing up something painful, so they say nothing, and the silence can hurt more than a clumsy sentence. This guide gathers what the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors, and other experts advise. It follows safe-messaging recommendations: we say “died by suicide,” and we don’t describe methods.

What should I say first?

Start with honesty. AFSP’s #RealConvo guide says that suicide loss is complicated, devastating, and dumbfounding, and that you can simply say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.” AFSP explains that because suicide loss is not like other losses, you cannot truly understand how the survivor is feeling, and that it’s okay to acknowledge this. It shows you recognize the complexity of their grief and keeps the conversation open.

A few starters you can adapt:

• “I’m so sorry about [name]. I’m thinking of you.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
• “I’d like to bring dinner on Thursday. Can I leave it on your porch?”
• “I don’t expect you to answer. I just want you to know I care.”

What should I avoid saying?

• “I know how you feel.” AFSP advises refraining from this unless you’re also a suicide loss survivor, and suggests saying you don’t know what they’re going through but you care and want to be there
• Pat advice and clichés. AFSP says that, other than gently reminding the person to take care of basic needs such as rest, exercise, and food, you should avoid giving direct advice; there is no one right or wrong way to cope with a suicide loss
• Questions about the details. If the survivor doesn’t bring up how their loved one died, AFSP says to assume they’d prefer not to talk about it. If they do mention it, don’t ask for more than they volunteer. Safe-messaging guidance also advises against sharing details of the method or location
• Putting a timeline on grief. AFSP says not to place a timeline on the survivor’s grief; healing after a suicide loss is a lifelong journey
• Questions that sound like blame. AFSP notes that in trying to answer the question of why, survivors often place blame on themselves. Questions such as “Did you see it coming?” or “Why didn’t anyone stop it?” can land as accusations even when well meant
• The word “committed.” Say “died by suicide,” as AFSP and the American Psychiatric Association recommend, because “committed” suggests a crime or sin

Should I talk about how the person died?

You don’t have to avoid it. AFSP’s guide says that, on the other hand, you don’t have to avoid the subject of the death altogether; let the survivor lead. Alliance of Hope reminds survivors that they don’t have to talk about anything just because someone asks, and that there is no right or wrong way to talk about the loss. If you’re not sure, you can ask, “Would you like to talk about what happened, or would you rather talk about something else?” and mean it either way.

Should I say the person’s name?

Yes. AFSP’s guide says not to be afraid to talk about the person who died, and to say their name as you would after any other loss. AFSP’s survivor guide, in its section for friends, likewise says not to be afraid to say the loved one’s name, and tells survivors who find it comforting to talk about their loved one to let family and friends know. Sharing a good memory, in a note or a conversation, can mean a lot.

How can I help in practical ways?

AFSP’s “10 Ways to Support” advises not waiting to be asked, since they may be too deep in grief to know what they need. Rather than “Let me know if I can help,” do something specific, such as shopping for groceries, offering to babysit, or bringing dinner. The Minnesota Department of Health also suggests offering help with funeral planning and organizing. AFSP’s survivor guide, in its section for friends, suggests keeping a list of calls, visitors, and people who bring food; making calls to people the survivor wants to notify; keeping the mail and bills straight; and helping with errands. Be there, but don’t smother them: AFSP suggests giving them some private time and letting them talk, since often they just need someone to hear them out.

Can I help them connect with other survivors?

Often this is one of the most valuable things you can do. AFSP suggests helping connect your loved one with other suicide loss survivors through International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day, AFSP’s Healing Conversations program, and bereavement support groups, and, when appropriate, offering to go with them to an event so they don’t feel so alone. AFSP also says many people find professional counseling helpful, and that you can help your loved one search for a therapist or schedule appointments. See finding grief support.

How long should I keep checking in?

Longer than most people expect. AFSP says “don’t disappear,” and healing after a suicide loss is a lifelong journey. Consider marking the hard dates on your calendar, such as the date of the death, the person’s birthday, holidays, and anniversaries, and sending a short message with no expectation of a reply. See honoring anniversaries and birthdays.

What if they say they’re having thoughts of suicide?

Take it seriously. AFSP’s survivor guide notes that thoughts of suicide can come up after a loss like this, and that having them doesn’t mean a person will act on them, and it encourages telling someone. If your friend says they’re having these thoughts: listen without judgment, stay with them, and help them connect to support. The American Psychiatric Association’s advice includes calling or texting the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If they’re in immediate danger, call 911.

What about children and teens who’ve lost someone?

They need honest, age-appropriate words and adults who will listen. See talking to children about death. AFSP and Alliance of Hope have resources for children, teens, and families after a suicide.

What if I said the wrong thing?

It’s usually repairable. Say something like, “I’m sorry for what I said. I’m thinking of you, and I’m here.” Then follow their lead. See also what you should never say to someone who is grieving.

Where can they (and you) find help?

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, any time
• AFSP (afsp.org): loss survivor resources, Healing Conversations, and International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day
• Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors (allianceofhope.org): online community and resources
• Emergency: 911

Supporting someone through a suicide loss can be heavy for you too; it’s okay to lean on a counselor or support group of your own.

If you’re the one being asked, see what to tell people after a suicide or overdose; for groups to suggest, see support groups for suicide and overdose loss.

This is general educational information, not clinical advice. Everyone grieves differently; follow the survivor’s lead. If someone is in crisis or thinking about harming themselves, call or text 988 or call 911.