Remembering a Baby Who Was Lost: Names, Keepsakes, and Anniversaries

After a pregnancy loss, many people feel pulled in two directions: a wish to honor the baby, and uncertainty about whether they’re “allowed” to. You are. You’re also allowed not to. This guide gathers ideas that parents and bereavement organizations describe, so you can take what fits and leave the rest.

Why does remembering feel so important?

Because the loss can feel invisible. The Miscarriage Association of Ireland notes that many people who lose a baby through miscarriage have no mementoes to hold on to, and that it can sometimes seem as if the baby didn’t exist outside their own bodies, hearts, and minds. Marking the loss, in whatever way feels right, can make it feel more real and less lonely.

Can I give my baby a name?

Yes, at any stage. March of Dimes lists naming your baby among the things parents may choose to do after a stillbirth, along with holding them, spending private time with loved ones, and taking part in cultural or religious traditions such as a baptism. Parents after miscarriage name their babies too. Everloved notes that some people hold a naming ceremony, while others name the baby privately and keep it between the parents. A name might come from a feeling, a place, a family name, or something gender-neutral if you didn’t know. You can also change it later.

If you had a stillbirth, some states let parents request a commemorative certificate that includes the baby’s name; see birth and death certificates after a stillbirth.

What if I have few or no keepsakes?

Many people don’t, and that doesn’t make the loss any smaller. Ideas from the Irish Miscarriage Association include keeping cards that people send after the loss, a special piece of jewellery such as a bracelet, pendant, or ring (some with the baby’s name or birthstone), and an ornament on the tree at Christmas. Some people keep things they already have, such as ultrasound pictures, together in a small box. Winston’s Wish, a UK child bereavement charity, suggests creating a memory box with a family, which can hold toys, clothing, or photos.

If you had a stillbirth, hospitals may offer keepsakes at the time. ACOG’s guidance for clinicians says to invite memory-making such as photographs and handprints, and to encourage parents to call their baby by name. See our guide to what happens in the hospital after a stillbirth. If you didn’t take photos or mementos and wish you had, that’s a common feeling, and it doesn’t take away from your love.

What rituals do people find meaningful?

Organizations and parents describe many, and none is required:

• Writing. A letter to your baby, a poem, or a journal (Everloved notes that letters let you share what you would have said during the baby’s life)
• Planting. A tree, flowers, or a houseplant. The Miscarriage Association of Ireland suggests a flower or tree in your garden or a portable pot, window box, or house-plant if you don’t have a garden
• Light. Lighting a candle on a special day
• A ceremony or blessing. At home, in a place of worship, or somewhere in nature. The Miscarriage Hope Desk notes that any ceremony that adds significance to the baby’s life can help, and that there’s no “right” way to do it, only what feels right to you
• Giving. A donation to a nonprofit in your baby’s name, which The Asian Parent lists among parents’ ideas
• Hospital or community remembrance. The Miscarriage Hope Desk notes some hospitals have a “Book of Remembrance” where you can add your baby’s name

Which dates might matter?

Many people choose a date to mark each year. The Irish Miscarriage Association suggests planning a special day for the baby’s anniversary, due date, or another meaningful date, and The Asian Parent’s list of parents’ ideas includes doing something on the anniversary of the loss or the due date, alone or with family and friends, such as lighting a candle, holding a small ceremony followed by a dinner, or simply having a quiet moment. These dates can also be hard, and it’s okay if they sneak up on you; telling a close friend or your partner ahead of time can help.

What happens on October 15?

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, observed in the United States since a 1988 presidential proclamation, and October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The official Remembrance Day site, founded by Robyn Bear, invites people in every time zone to light a candle at 7 p.m. on October 15 in the International Wave of Light. Postpartum Support International suggests keeping the candle lit for at least one hour, so a continuous “wave of light” crosses all time zones. A newsletter piece on the PLIDA (Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance) site notes how meaningful ceremonies, rituals, and memorial events are to many bereaved parents and encourages organizations to host events on October 15; hospitals and community groups sometimes do, so it can be worth asking where you live. Lighting a candle at home is just as valid.

Do I have to do any of this?

No. The Asian Parent’s list of memorial ideas makes the point well: if you do not want to use any of them to mark your loss, you do not have to. Some people find rituals comforting right away; others want them later, or never. Some prefer private remembrance; others want company. You don’t need to buy anything, either. Keepsake products exist, but a candle, a letter, and a plant cost almost nothing.

How can partners, children, and family join in?

Partners grieve too; see our guide on partners and pregnancy loss. Winston’s Wish suggests that existing children can help create a memory box, which can give them a way to take part. Family and friends can help by remembering the date and sending a short message each year; see what to say to someone after a miscarriage.

What if remembering feels too painful?

That can happen, especially around dates. If distress is overwhelming or isn’t easing, it’s reasonable to reach out. Free, confidential support:

• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), 24/7
• Postpartum Support International HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 (call or text); not an emergency line
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988 any time if you’re thinking about harming yourself

For the wider picture of grief after pregnancy loss, see grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth and losing a child.

For talking with children about the loss, see helping children understand a miscarriage or stillbirth.

This is general educational information, not medical or mental health advice. The remembrance ideas here come from parents and bereavement organizations; none is required, and what helps varies from person to person. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.