Helping Children Understand a Miscarriage or Stillbirth

When a pregnancy ends in loss, the children in your life are affected too, whether they knew about the pregnancy or not. Many parents are grieving and exhausted and unsure what to say. This guide gathers advice from child-bereavement organizations in the US and UK. It isn’t a script, and you know your children best.

Do I need to tell my children?

If they knew about the pregnancy, or were looking forward to the baby, most guidance says yes, and sooner is better. Tommy’s, a UK baby-loss charity, says research shows it’s important that you or someone close to your children tell them about the death of a sibling as soon as possible, and to be as open and honest as you can. The Dougy Center, a US center for grieving children and families, likewise recommends telling children as soon as possible, so that they hear it from someone they trust rather than from other kids or social media.

If your child didn’t know about the pregnancy, the choice is yours. But Tommy’s notes that children are likely to notice when the adults around them are upset, which can worry them and may show up as irritability, anger, or quietness. A simple explanation can help them make sense of what they’re sensing.

What words should I use?

Simple, clear, honest ones. Winston’s Wish, a UK child bereavement charity, advises clear, simple language such as “died.” It can feel blunt, but it’s less confusing for children. It suggests a simple way to explain that a baby has died: their heart stopped beating and they stopped breathing, which means they aren’t alive any more. Tommy’s says that with children of any age it’s best to use simple terms, and that if they want more detail, they’ll ask. The Massachusetts Center for Unexpected Infant and Child Death gives an example for a young child: “We don’t know why but something happened to the baby and it died. When it happens during pregnancy it is called miscarriage.”

Which phrases should I avoid?

Several that adults commonly reach for:

• “Gone to sleep” or “sleeping.” Winston’s Wish says this can be taken literally, which can be confusing (why don’t we just wake the baby?) or frightening (if I go to sleep, will I not wake up?). Tommy’s lists it too
• “Lost” or “gone.” Tommy’s says this might make children worry about losing you, or give them the impression the baby might be found or come back. The Miscarriage Association’s leaflet notes that young children told “lost” may think you mean “mislaid”
• “In the sky” or “in the clouds.” Tommy’s lists talking about the baby being in the sky or clouds among phrases to avoid. If your family’s faith includes beliefs about heaven or an afterlife, you may choose to share them. The Dougy Center’s tips focus on avoiding euphemisms such as “passed away,” “crossed over,” or “went to sleep” that can confuse children, so it may help to pair your beliefs with the plain fact that the baby died

What if my child thinks it’s their fault?

It’s very common. Tommy’s says most children will at some stage blame themselves for the death of their baby brother or sister, and suggests reassuring them, for example by telling them they’re a wonderful brother or sister because they’re thinking about the baby. Tommy’s guide for partners adds that younger children may worry they did something to cause the baby to die. The Miscarriage Association’s leaflet makes the same point, that children may feel somehow to blame. Tell them clearly: it was nothing they said, thought, or did.

How do children of different ages respond?

Tommy’s says children from about age 5 can usually understand what it means when someone dies. Winston’s Wish says children may develop feelings of jealousy or worry about the arrival of a baby brother or sister, and that teenagers may feel they should be strong for their parents, suppressing their own feelings so as not to cause extra pain, or may feel they ought to take over some of their parents’ responsibilities. Tommy’s adds that older children may worry about showing their feelings in case they upset you. The Miscarriage Association’s leaflet notes children may show distress through behavior, such as tantrums or disturbed sleep.

Is it okay for my child to see me cry?

Yes. Tommy’s says not to be afraid to get upset in front of your child, since this can reassure them that it’s okay for them to show their own emotions, and suggests explaining that you’re sad because the baby has died and that it’s normal to cry when you’re sad. The Dougy Center says grieving doesn’t mean hiding your grief from your child.

Can I include my child in remembering?

Many families find it helps. Winston’s Wish suggests creating a memory box together, with toys, clothing, or photos you may have. Tommy’s says that after a stillbirth, many parents found it helpful to let their other children meet their baby sibling and take part in ways of saying goodbye. Other ideas from our guide on remembering a baby who was lost include lighting a candle, drawing a picture, or planting something. Let children choose how much to take part in; the Dougy Center suggests offering choices, since a death can leave children feeling powerless.

What questions might they ask?

Be ready for repeated and unexpected ones: Why did the baby die? Will you die? Will I die? Is it my fault? Can the baby come back? Tommy’s advises letting children ask questions and being honest if you don’t know the answer. Answer briefly, check what they’re really asking, and let their questions guide what else you share, as the Dougy Center suggests. “I don’t know why it happened” is an honest answer. Children’s books about death can open conversations; the Massachusetts center lists several, including one written as a love letter from a sibling lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death to any surviving siblings.

Will they need to talk about it again?

Probably. The Dougy Center says grief doesn’t have a timeline and changes over the course of someone’s life, and that it’s okay for children to continue to grieve a loss as they grow and develop. Expect the topic to resurface around the due date, the anniversary, or when a new pregnancy or baby arrives in the family.

Where can I get more help?

If your child seems very distressed, is struggling at school or sleeping, or you’re unsure how to proceed, talk with your pediatrician or a school counselor, or contact a child-bereavement organization. The Dougy Center (dougy.org) supports grieving children, teens, and families in the US. Winston’s Wish and Sands, in the UK, offer guidance for bereaved siblings, and Tommy’s lists them as resources. And remember to look after yourself: see grief after miscarriage or stillbirth and talking to children about death for more.

This is general educational information, not clinical advice. Children differ widely, and cultural and faith traditions shape how families talk about death - a pediatrician or child-bereavement specialist can help with your child’s specific needs.