Partners and Pregnancy Loss: The Grief That Often Goes Unseen

If your partner had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, you may have found yourself in an odd position: grieving a loss of your own while everyone asks how your partner is doing. People may have asked about you rarely, or not at all. This guide is for partners of any gender or relationship, and for the people who love them. One caution up front: most of the research so far has focused on men in relationships with women, so we know less about other partners’ experiences, though much of it likely applies.

Do partners grieve pregnancy loss too?

Yes. A 2020 systematic review in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth looked at 46 studies of men’s grief after pregnancy or neonatal loss (21 on miscarriage, 10 on stillbirth, and 15 on a mix). It found that distress after loss is common and that men’s grief is highly varied and individual. It also found that men may face different challenges from women, including expectations that they will support their partners and a lack of social recognition for their own grief and needs.

Why is partner grief so often overlooked?

The review describes a pattern researchers call disenfranchised grief: grief that isn’t openly acknowledged or socially supported. Men may face what the authors call double-disenfranchised grief, because pregnancy loss itself is often met with silence, and because grieving fathers are frequently overlooked. A more recent study of men in Israel found much the same: expectations to be strong, stoic, and supportive, while acting as a go-between with medical teams, a spouse, and relatives, may leave men without space to express their own grief. The BMC authors also found that men saw their main role as supporting their partner but received limited support themselves, and that they wanted practical information on how best to support their partner, along with ways to recognize and manage their own grief.

What do the numbers show?

Researchers at hospitals in London followed couples after early pregnancy loss and compared them. Summarizing that work, the MGH Center for Women’s Mental Health reports that post-traumatic stress symptoms were found in 7 percent of partners at one month, 8 percent at three months, and 4 percent at nine months, compared with 34 percent, 26 percent, and 21 percent of women.

It’s worth reading those figures carefully. They count one kind of symptom on a screening scale, and they show that, on average, partners were less likely to meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress than the women who had the loss. They don’t measure love, sadness, or the sense of a lost future, and they don’t mean partners don’t grieve. A recent mixed-methods study of men’s grief after perinatal loss describes it as non-linear and frequently overlooked, encompassing grief for the child who died and for the future they had pictured, and found grief was more pronounced when the loss came later in pregnancy.

What might partner grief feel like?

There isn’t one pattern, and the research says as much: the BMC review stresses how varied and individual men’s grief is. Some partners find it helps to talk. In some studies in the review, men didn’t feel the need to discuss their grief with anyone but their partners, or avoided talking about it believing that would reduce its impact. In others, men wanted support from family and friends but said no one was available to them because of others’ lack of understanding, avoidance, or discomfort. The Israeli study describes grief for the child who died and for the future the men had pictured. However it shows up for you, it’s a response to a real loss.

What if we grieve differently?

That’s common, and it doesn’t mean one of you cares less. One may want to talk and the other to be quiet; one may want to mark the loss and the other to move through ordinary days. It helps to say out loud that you’re both grieving, to ask what each of you needs, and to avoid reading silence as indifference. See our guide on family dynamics during grief. If it’s causing distance, a counselor who works with grief or couples can help.

What can help if you’re the partner?

• Name it as your loss. You’re not just a supporter. It’s okay to say, to yourself and to someone you trust, that this hurt you too
• Find people who understand. Postpartum Support International runs online peer support groups for pregnancy loss and stillbirth, and Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support (nationalshare.org) offers an online community for people affected by the death of a baby
• Ask for information you need. The BMC review found men wanted practical guidance about supporting their partner and managing their own grief; it’s reasonable to ask the care team for it
• Take a break from being the “strong one.” Choose one person, such as a friend, relative, counselor, or faith leader, with whom you don’t have to hold it together
• Mark the loss in a way that feels right. Naming the baby, planting something, writing a letter, or visiting a place can help

For leave options, see taking time off after a pregnancy loss.

How can friends and family help partners?

Ask about them, too. Psychology Today notes that both male and female partners are often forgotten after a miscarriage, and that a loss can hit them just as hard. Ask “How are you doing?” and mean it, without opening with “How is she?” See our guide on what to say to someone after a miscarriage.

When should a partner get more help?

If grief or distress is overwhelming, isn’t easing, or affects sleep, work, or relationships, talk with a doctor or counselor. These lines are free and confidential, and the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is open to pregnant and postpartum people and their loved ones:

• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), 24/7
• Postpartum Support International HelpLine: 1-800-944-4773 (call or text); not an emergency line
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988 any time if you’re thinking about harming yourself

For the broader picture, see our guides on grief after miscarriage or stillbirth and what happens after a stillbirth.

This is general educational information, not medical or mental health advice. Research on partners is limited and mostly about men in relationships with women. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.