Is It Okay to Post About Someone's Death Before the Family Does?

News travels quickly online, and that is the problem. This article explains why to wait for the family and what is fine to post afterward.

Is it okay to post before the family does?

Generally not. A guide on social media and grief by Carla Sofka of Siena College says that if you are not a primary mourner, such as an immediate family member or close partner, and have not received permission from someone in the inner circle, it is not your right or responsibility to make the news public. The Skills You Need site calls waiting for the family to post first the golden rule.

Why does it matter?

Because some people hear that someone has died from a post. Everplans describes a woman whose sister’s death spread across Facebook before she could call friends, because a classmate posted first. The Siena guide also notes that if you have not seen a post or an online obituary from the primary mourners, that probably reflects a conscious choice, or a decision to wait.

How do I know the family has shared the news?

Look for a post from a close family member, a published obituary, or a notice from the funeral home. Sunset View Cemetery says it posts obituaries and service times only after getting a family’s permission, so a post from the funeral provider is a sign that the family knows and the news can be shared. A funeral home and cemetery (Cypress Lawn) advises waiting for the closest family to share first, because they may be in shock and busy with arrangements.

What if the family is not on social media?

Ask someone close to the family for permission before you post. If you are unsure whether it is appropriate even to ask, a funeral provider advises using your best judgment.

What can I post once the family has?

A short comment of sympathy is appropriate. Cypress Lawn also advises getting your facts straight, including the details about the person, the funeral, and the family.

What should I not do?

The Siena guide advises against sharing information about services or memorial events without the family’s permission, asking questions about the death, or expecting a reply, since grief is exhausting. It also notes that tagging the person who died in photos can make posts appear in other people’s feeds, which may be unwelcome. Cypress Lawn advises not tagging the family, and not posting photos of the service, without permission. If a person has not shared their grief online, the Siena guide suggests reaching out privately, for example by phone.

What do we still not know?

These are customs, not rules, and they are still changing. People differ about how public they want grief to be.

Where can I learn more?

See What Should You Write in a Sympathy Card? and Digital Accounts After a Death.

This is general guidance from etiquette and bereavement organizations. Families differ, and so do religious and cultural customs, so follow the lead of the person who is grieving.