Long-Distance Caregiving

If you live an hour or more away from someone who needs your help, you are probably a long-distance caregiver, according to the National Institute on Aging. It is real caregiving, with its own tasks and its own stresses.

What can I really do from far away?

The Institute says long-distance caregivers take on different roles. You might:

• help with finances, money management, or bill paying.
• arrange in-home care and help get needed equipment.
• find an assisted living facility or nursing home.
• give emotional support, and occasional respite to a primary caregiver.
• act as an information coordinator, researching health problems and medicines and clarifying insurance benefits and claims.
• keep family and friends updated.
• put a plan and paperwork in place for emergencies.
• check that the home is safe.

Your role may change as the person’s needs change.

What should I do first?

The Institute suggests asking the primary caregiver, if there is one, and the person you are helping how you can be most useful. Talk with friends who are caregivers, find local resources, learn about the person’s health, and visit as often as you can. It also says to get written permission, as needed under the federal privacy rule, to receive medical and financial information, and to keep a notebook of medical care, contacts, and financial details that you update and share with other caregivers.

What is a geriatric care manager?

According to the Institute, a geriatric care manager is usually a licensed nurse or social worker who specializes in older people. They can identify needs, help form a long-term care plan, and find services. They can be especially helpful when family members live far apart, and may check in with you from time to time.

They charge by the hour. An AARP article republished by SeniorNavigator put typical fees at $50 to $200 an hour and said Medicare does not cover them. Rates vary, so ask. The Institute suggests asking whether the manager is licensed, how long they have provided this service, and whether they are available for emergencies around the clock. You can find one through the Aging Life Care Association or your Area Agency on Aging.

How can a local network help?

Try to find people near your relative who can give you a realistic view of what is going on, the Institute says. This may be the other parent. A social worker may also provide updates. Elderhelp of San Diego suggests making sure at least one contact lives nearby, considering giving a trusted person a key or door code for emergencies, and keeping a list of medical conditions, medicines, and an emergency contact on the refrigerator.

How do I stay connected?

Many families schedule conference calls with doctors or facility staff so several relatives hear the same update, the Institute says. Keep a phone and email list to update everyone. Program important numbers into your relative’s phone, and be ready for a lot of calls from them.

How do I make visits count?

Ask the person ahead of time what they would like to do. Check with the primary caregiver about what they need, such as handling some tasks while you are in town. Set clear, realistic goals, decide on priorities, and leave the rest for another visit. Make time to simply be together, with something unrelated to caregiving.

What if a local sibling feels I am not doing enough?

The Institute notes that long-distance caregivers may feel guilty, may envy those who live closer, and may worry about time off work, time away from family, and travel costs. University of Illinois Extension says everyone can do something, even from far away, such as handling paperwork, researching local agencies, and calling the person and the primary caregiver regularly. The Institute adds that you can travel to stay for a few days so the primary caregiver can rest. Be specific about what you are doing. See Sharing Caregiving Responsibilities With Siblings.

What about work?

The Family and Medical Leave Act gives eligible employees up to 12 workweeks of unpaid, job-protected leave in a year to care for a parent with a serious health condition, according to the Department of Labor. Ask your employer, and check for state laws.

What do we still not know?

Local services, care manager fees, and your relative’s needs all vary, and this guidance is general.

Where can I learn more?

See Becoming a Caregiver: A Checklist for Getting Started and Caregiver Burnout and Respite Care. If your parent no longer recognizes you when you visit, see What to Do When a Parent With Dementia No Longer Recognizes You.

This is general guidance, not medical, legal, or financial advice. Every family’s situation is different; a doctor, social worker, or attorney can advise on yours.