Quaker and Unitarian Universalist Memorial Practices

Quakers and Unitarian Universalists are two small, distinctive religious communities with approaches to memorial services that many people find open, personal, and refreshingly unscripted. They’re also frequently misunderstood. This guide describes what each tradition’s own materials say, with the reminder that practice varies by congregation and family.

Quaker memorial practices

What is a Quaker memorial?

In many Quaker communities, a funeral or memorial is held as a meeting for worship, the same form of worship Quakers use every week. The Friends General Conference (FGC), an association of Quaker meetings, describes it this way in its sample introduction for a Quaker memorial: Quakers gather for worship in silent expectation, believing that in the silence all people can experience God directly, and any ministry that occurs comes from those in attendance, who may feel led to speak or share a song or a reading. A funeral guide describes this form, sometimes called a Meeting for Worship for Thanksgiving, as a quiet circle of community held in stillness where anyone may speak as they are moved, with “simplicity and stillness” at its center and no fixed formula.

What does the service look like?

According to FGC’s guidance:

• Someone, often the clerk of the meeting or a family member, is designated to open the service with a brief explanation of how the hour will proceed and how it will close
• The service lasts approximately an hour, or until everyone who wishes to speak has had a chance to do so
• People speak when moved, sometimes sharing a memory, a reading, or a song; unprogrammed Quaker worship is mainly silent
• A memorial handout is optional but common; it may outline the order, list those taking part in specific roles, and include the obituary or a memorial minute
• Music may be offered before, during, or after, at the family’s discretion
• Meeting closes with a handshake, which one guide describes as passing quietly from person to person

FGC suggests practical roles such as greeters and parking helpers, and notes that anyone explaining the service to guests should be as much a listener as a dispenser of information.

Is every Quaker funeral like this?

No. Britain Yearly Meeting, drawing on Friends World Committee for Consultation figures, says unprogrammed worship accounts for only about 11 percent of world membership (silent, with unplanned vocal ministry), while programmed meetings account for about 49 percent and mix elements such as hymns and readings with silence. These counts are approximate, and the Friends World Committee for Consultation says collecting them is far from an exact process. Services in some Friends churches resemble other Protestant services with a pastor. Unprogrammed worship is dominant in several countries and parts of the U.S. If you’re unsure which kind of Friends congregation is involved, ask.

Britain Yearly Meeting’s Quaker Faith & Practice adds several points about funerals and memorials:

• A memorial meeting is sometimes arranged later, at the convenience of relatives and local Friends, and requires great sensitivity to individual needs
• A memorial meeting for a person whose life was lived in the local meeting springs from and deepens the worshipping community
• Meetings should consider the presence of people who aren’t used to Quaker worship, including their anxieties
• It is not Friends’ practice to accept a fee for ministry, which matters if a funeral director’s bill includes a minister’s fee

How should a guest take part?

You don’t need to know Quaker customs. Sit quietly, and let the silence do its work. Speak only if you feel moved, as one guide puts it: be honest, be tender, and speak only if you feel genuinely led. Quakers don’t respond to or debate others’ messages in worship, so you can offer a brief memory without worrying about a reply. If you don’t wish to speak, simply sit.

Unitarian Universalist memorial practices

What is a UU memorial service?

The Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA) says that UU ministers and congregations create individualized memorial services and funerals that honor your loved one’s personality and beliefs, developed by the family of the deceased and the presiding minister. Because the service is built around the person, it can reflect that person’s own beliefs.

What might a UU service include?

The UUA lists possible elements:

• A eulogy
• Poems and other readings
• Prayer or meditation
• A time to remember the deceased with stories and memories
• Hymn singing or other music
• A time for personal reflection

A UU congregation describes the typical process this way: a minister meets with loved ones in advance to plan the service, and the service typically includes readings, music, sharing from family and friends, and, if requested, a eulogy from the minister. It’s designed to celebrate the character and gifts of the person while ministering to the needs of the family and friends.

Can non-members have a UU service?

Yes. The UUA invites people who want a UU minister to preside to contact a congregation near them. Policies vary by congregation: one congregation notes it provides memorial services for members at no cost, accommodates requests from non-members where it can, and charges a fee to officiate and host non-member services, plus a charge for use of the space.

What do the two traditions have in common?

• Simplicity and personal meaning. Both lean toward a service shaped by the person who died rather than a fixed script
• Participation. Quaker memorials invite spontaneous speaking; UU services often include a time for sharing memories
• Welcome. Both generally welcome people of all beliefs
• Flexibility on form. Both can accommodate a burial, a cremation, or a later gathering

If you want a service without a religious structure, see humanist and secular funeral traditions; for a gathering that celebrates a life, see funeral, memorial, or celebration of life.

How can I arrange one?

• Quaker: contact a local Friends meeting (and ask whether it’s an unprogrammed meeting or a programmed Friends church), and ask who can help plan and clerk the meeting for worship
• UU: contact a nearby UU congregation and ask the minister about availability, costs, and planning
• Tell the funeral director what you’ve chosen so they can allow for the format, such as quiet time and open sharing

Add this to your Final Day Plan: whether you’d like a Quaker meeting for worship or a UU service, the people you’d like to speak, readings or songs, and a person to lead the opening.

Practices vary by community, tradition and family. Everendium provides general guidance and encourages families to consult their faith or community leaders where appropriate.