Japanese Funeral and Memorial Customs

Japanese funerals follow a well-defined sequence, and guides written for visitors often describe it step by step. If you’ve read about the Buddhist home altar in why some Japanese families keep a Buddhist altar at home, this guide covers the funeral itself and the memorial days that follow. The usual caution applies: practice differs by region, religion, and family, and Japanese American and other families outside Japan adapt customs to the funeral homes, temples, and churches available to them.

What religion do Japanese funerals follow?

Guides say most Japanese funerals are Buddhist and involve cremation, and that almost every funeral in Japan ends in cremation. Shinto and Christian funerals also take place, and guides advise confirming whether a service is Buddhist, Shinto, or Christian, since customs differ. Many homes keep a Buddhist altar (butsudan), and some also keep a Shinto shrine.

What is the usual sequence?

Guides describe this order, with variation:

1. The wake (otsuya or tsuya) is held in the evening, usually the night before the funeral. A Buddhist priest chants a section of a sutra, and guests offer incense in turn. Family members traditionally stayed with the deceased through the night, but guides note this is less common now, and some families skip the wake entirely
2. The funeral or farewell ceremony (kokubetsu-shiki) takes place the next day, with a similar format: the priest chants, and incense is offered again. Guests and family may place flowers around the deceased before the casket is closed
3. Cremation, often the same day, with the hearse leaving for the crematorium from the ceremony
4. Bone-picking (kotsuage), described below
5. Burial of the ashes in a family grave, which one guide says usually happens on the 49th day, though practices vary

What is the posthumous Buddhist name?

At a Buddhist funeral, the priest typically gives the deceased a new Buddhist name, a kaimyō (“precept name”). Guides explain it as a posthumous name conferred at the funeral, with one saying it’s said to prevent the deceased from returning when their name is called.

What is kotsuage?

After cremation, which guides say takes about 90 minutes, the family returns to collect the bones. Using special long chopsticks, family members pick the bones from the ashes and place them in an urn, often in pairs, with two people holding the same bone with their chopsticks. This is a distinctive feature of Japanese cremation, in which the family takes part in removing the bones. Etiquette guides add that passing bones directly from chopstick to chopstick is reserved for this ritual. See Buddhist cremation: what happens to the ashes.

What do guests wear and bring?

• Attire. Black formal clothing: guides describe men in black suits with white shirts and black ties, and women in black dresses or traditional black kimono. Avoid bright colors, and arrive on time
• Condolence money (kōden). Guests give money to help the family with costs, in a special envelope, a kōdenbukuro or bushūgi-bukuro. Guides describe black-and-silver or black-and-white cords, say to write your name in black ink (never red), and advise against crisp new bills. If you attend both the wake and the funeral, bring the money to the wake and just sign the guest book at the funeral. Amounts depend on your relationship to the family
• Return gifts. The family typically gives departing guests a gift, valued at roughly one-fourth to one-half of the condolence money, or sends it afterward (kōden-gaeshi)
• What to say. A simple, quiet expression of condolence suffices; one guide suggests bowing and saying the Japanese phrase “Goshūshō-sama desu” (roughly, “my condolences”)
• Photos. Don’t take photographs or videos of the service

For general guidance, see funeral etiquette: what to wear and say.

What memorial days follow?

Guides list Buddhist memorial services at set intervals:

• The seventh day (shonanoka)
• The 49th day (shijūkunichi), which is believed to mark the completion of the spirit’s journey, and when ashes are often interred, though practice varies
• The first Obon after the death, a summer season of remembering ancestors
• The first anniversary (ichinen-ki) and later anniversaries

Families also continue daily or regular remembrance at a home altar; see Japanese Buddhist home altars.

How do Japanese American and other families adapt?

Families outside Japan may hold services at a Buddhist temple, a church, a funeral home, or a community hall; some combine Japanese customs with local practice, shorten or skip the wake, or choose a simpler gathering. We didn’t find a single standard for how Japanese American families do it, which is why it’s best to ask the family or a relative.

How can I be a respectful guest?

• Ask a family friend which customs the family is following
• Wear plain black and arrive on time
• Bring a condolence envelope if appropriate, or a card
• Follow the room during incense: guides describe taking incense, offering it, and bowing; if you’re unsure, watch others or stand quietly
• Speak softly, keep condolences brief, and take no photos

If you’re planning a Japanese funeral

Decide on the faith and officiant (temple priest, Shinto priest, or a church minister), whether to hold a wake and a funeral on separate days, how the family wants to take part in kotsuage if cremating (check whether your crematory allows it), what to do about posthumous names, and the memorial days to schedule. Ask the funeral director about options for family participation, and about timing for the 7th-day and 49th-day services.

Add this to your Final Day Plan: your religion or temple, whether you want a wake, a posthumous name, cremation, and which memorial days your family should hold.

Practices vary by community, tradition and family. Everendium provides general guidance and encourages families to consult their faith or community leaders where appropriate.