Why Part of Us Doesn't Believe Someone Is Really Gone

Joan Didion wrote about the year following her husband’s sudden death, and one detail from that account has stayed with readers ever since: she couldn’t give away his shoes, because some part of her mind reasoned he might need them.

What did Didion call this experience?

She described it as a kind of magical thinking - a genuine, internal contradiction where one part of her mind fully understood, factually, that her husband had died, while another part continued operating as though his return remained possible, still planning around his eventual need for ordinary things.

Is this actually a common experience, or was it specific to her situation?

It’s genuinely common, particularly after a sudden or unexpected death. Many bereaved people describe some version of this same contradiction: knowing intellectually that someone has died while simultaneously catching themselves expecting a phone call, setting an extra place, or feeling surprised all over again each time the fact resurfaces.

Why does grief produce this kind of internal contradiction?

The mind doesn’t update all at once. Habits, expectations, and deeply ingrained patterns built over years of a relationship don’t disappear simply because a fact has changed - they persist, sometimes for a long time, running alongside the intellectual knowledge of the loss rather than being immediately overwritten by it.

Does this mean someone is in denial about the death?

Not in the clinical sense - this is different from denying that a death occurred. It’s better understood as the gap between knowing something factually and having your whole mind and body fully catch up to that fact, which can take considerably longer than the moment the news itself arrives.

How long does this kind of magical thinking typically last?

This varies enormously, and there’s no fixed timeline - some people notice it fading within months; others describe some version of it persisting, in smaller forms, for years. Didion herself wrote about an entire year of this experience, and even then didn’t describe it as fully resolved.

Is there anything that helps, or does this simply have to run its course?

Many people find it helps simply to know this experience is normal and widely shared, rather than a sign that something is wrong with how they’re grieving. Naming the contradiction directly - “I know they’re gone, and also some part of me still expects them” - tends to feel less disorienting than trying to resolve it or make it stop.

Does this connect to other specific grief experiences people describe?

Yes, closely - see our guide on keep thinking I saw the person who died and reaching for my phone to call them for two other common, related experiences that reflect this same gap between knowing and fully feeling a loss.

A question to take with you

Has part of you ever kept expecting someone to walk through the door, or call, even while you fully knew they were gone? What did you do with that feeling, in the moment it happened?

This reflects on Joan Didion’s writing and its themes without reproducing her original text - her work is available through libraries and licensed retailers for anyone who wants to read it directly. This is also a sensitive topic - if you’re finding grief difficult to manage day to day, a grief counselor or support group can help, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.