Why Do We Visit Graves?

Many people find that standing at a grave brings them close to someone they have lost. Others never go. Researchers who study grief have looked at why visiting graves matters to so many people, and what they say can be a comfort whichever you choose.

Why do people visit graves?

To stay connected. A University of Frankfurt study compared grave visits in Frankfurt and Hong Kong. It notes that grave visitation is a tradition common to many cultures. It finds that visits strengthened the ties between the living and the dead, revealing a longing for a continued bond regardless of how the person was buried. The Conversation explains that in 1996 the psychologists Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman introduced the concept of continuing bonds. Rather than trying to move on and stop thinking about someone who died, many grieving people keep a relationship with them. A 2023 study in SSM - Mental Health looked at grave sweeping in China, where families visit graves each year to offer items and conversation. It found that the ritual gives survivors a setting to maintain, relinquish, and adapt their bonds to the dead. The actions create an experience of social exchange between the family and the loved one.

How common is it?

Very. A Routledge book on cemetery visitation says that in many societies visiting a grave or memorial is a common response to bereavement. It says that millions of visits are made to cemeteries every day. It adds that large urban memorial parks are among the most visited places in Western communities.

Are there special days for visiting?

Many. The SSM study describes China’s annual grave-sweeping ritual, which is part of the Qingming festival; see Chinese Funeral Traditions. In Japan, Obon is a time when the dead are believed to return, the New World Encyclopedia says, and Kanpai Japan reports that people visit and tidy the graves beforehand. Catholic World Report says that All Souls’ Day on November 2 is part of a three-day period of remembrance of the dead. For another example, see Mexico’s Día de los Muertos.

What if I can’t or don’t want to visit?

That is normal too. The Routledge book lists reasons people do not visit: the remains were not buried, they cannot reach the cemetery, they are holding grief back, their religion restricts visits, or they feel no need to. The Conversation notes that you do not need to be able to visit a cemetery to keep a connection. It describes “restorative giving,” where people leave gifts or tokens as a way to cope while keeping ties. For more, see What Is Grief? Understanding What’s Normal and Why Do We Put Flowers on Graves?.