What Do Dying People Really Regret? What the Research Shows

You may have seen a list of the five things dying people regret most. It is widely shared and often described as research. This article explains where the list came from and what studies of regret and of dying people have found.

Where does the “top five regrets” list come from?

From one nurse’s writing. Bronnie Ware is an Australian who worked in palliative care, caring for people at home in the last weeks of their lives. She wrote a blog post called “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” on a blog named Inspiration and Chai, and she expanded it into a book in 2011. An analysis on PLOS Blogs examined the original post. It notes that the post makes no claim to be a study. It gives no number of patients and describes no recording or analysis.

What are the five regrets?

As Ware reported them, in paraphrase:

1. Wishing she had lived a life true to herself, not the life others expected. Ware called this the most common regret of all.
2. Wishing she had not worked so hard. Ware said this came especially from the men she cared for.
3. Wishing she had had the courage to express her feelings.
4. Wishing she had stayed in touch with friends.
5. Wishing she had let herself be happier.

Is the list a research finding?

No. It is testimony from one caregiver’s patients over several years, shaped by who those patients were and by Ware’s own interpretation. It can tell us what some dying people said to one nurse. It cannot tell us how common any regret is, or whether other groups would say the same.

What does research on regret find?

Something different, and about the living. Psychologists Neal Roese and Amy Summerville pooled 11 earlier studies that asked people to rank their biggest regrets in life. They reported in 2005 that the top six were education, career, romance, parenting, the self, and leisure. Their explanation is that regret is strongest where people see the most chance for change. Education tops the list because it feels like the area where things could most easily have gone differently. This research did not study dying people, so it neither confirms nor refutes Ware’s list.

What do seriously ill people say matters?

A 2000 national survey in JAMA asked seriously ill patients, recently bereaved family members, physicians, and other care providers what mattered at the end of life. Freedom from pain ranked first, and dying at home ranked last of the factors rated. Patients placed more weight than physicians on being mentally aware, not being a burden, having funeral arrangements settled, and coming to peace with God. For more detail, see When You’re Dying, What Makes Life Worth Living?.

How can the list be used wisely?

As a prompt for reflection, not as proof. The themes are worth thinking about: honesty, relationships, rest, and joy. But no one has shown that avoiding these regrets leads to a better death. A more useful question may be what you would want the people you love to know. Writing that down is one of the practical gifts you can leave. See What Documents to Organize.

Where can I learn more?

See What Is a “Good Death”? What Research Says and Memento Mori: Why Remembering Death Can Make Life Better.