Talking to Children About a Grandparent With Dementia

When a grandparent has dementia, children notice, long before anyone sits them down. They see the repeated questions, the unfamiliar moods, the way the adults around them have changed. Children usually cope better with a calm, honest explanation than with silence. Here’s how the major sources suggest approaching it.

Should we tell children, or protect them?

Tell them. The National Institute on Aging (NIA) notes that when a family member has Alzheimer’s, it affects the whole family, including children and grandchildren, and advises being honest with family and friends about the diagnosis. Its guidance for helping children understand starts from the same honesty about your own feelings. AARP makes the same point from experience: preschoolers and elementary-age children will notice that something is different, so naming it helps. Silence leaves children to fill in the gaps, often with the wrong idea.

What do young children need to hear?

Keep it simple and concrete. AARP’s guidance for younger children is that the grandparent has an illness called dementia, and that they won’t get better. The NIA warns that young children may think they did something to hurt their grandparent, so say clearly that nothing they did caused it. Short explanations, repeated as needed, work better than one long talk, and AARP suggests using children’s books to help younger children understand what’s going on.

What about preteens and teenagers?

Be more direct. AARP suggests using adult language with preteens and teens, explaining what’s happening, and describing how the disease will affect their grandparent. It also notes that older children may not want to open up to parents when they’re struggling, so help them find support, and give them space to be kids. If a teenager is living with the grandparent or helping provide care, make sure they have time to socialize and do things they enjoy. The NIA adds that older children and teens may be embarrassed by the grandparent’s behavior; let them know they can always talk to you about what they feel.

How should we prepare children for visits?

Before a visit, tell them what to expect: their grandparent may repeat things, mix up names, or not recognize them. See our guide on what to do when a parent with dementia no longer recognizes you. Dementia UK suggests reassuring young people that even if their grandparent doesn’t know exactly who they are, they may still enjoy their company. Children watch how adults behave, so model the tone you want:

• Don’t use baby talk or a harsh tone. The NIA warns that children may copy what they see
• Show children they can still talk and do things with their grandparent. The NIA stresses this
• Choose simple activities. Dementia UK suggests looking at photos together, reading to their grandparent, or just talking about what they’ve been doing
• Let them take a break. If a child gets upset or tired, it’s fine to end the visit or step out for a while

What if the grandparent doesn’t recognize the child?

This can hurt more than adults expect. Dementia UK says it can be very difficult for children and young people when someone close stops recognizing them, but you can reassure them that they may still enjoy their company, and suggests other ways to stay connected, such as photos, reading together, or talking about their day. Introducing themselves simply (“It’s me, Maya, your granddaughter”) is a skill children can learn.

How do children show their feelings?

Not always in words. The NIA notes that some children may not talk about their feelings but may act out at school or at home. Watch for changes in behavior or mood, and keep the door open: let them know they can come to you with questions and feelings, and consider involving a school counselor or social worker if they’re having a hard time. Be honest about your own feelings too, the NIA says, but don’t overwhelm them with adult worries.

How do we make sure children still get to be children?

The NIA recommends making sure the child has time for their own interests and needs, such as playing with friends, school activities, and homework, and spending quality time with them so they don’t feel all your attention is on the person with dementia. This matters most when the household is stretched by caregiving; see our guide on caregiver burnout and respite care.

What do we say about the future?

Children may ask whether their grandparent will get better, or whether they will die. AARP’s advice is that children need to know their grandparent won’t get better, and that conversations like these need to be ongoing. Be honest in age-appropriate words. Dementia is a terminal illness, though how quickly it progresses varies, as the NIA notes; see how dementia ends. When the time comes, see our guides on talking to children about death and whether a child should see a dying grandparent.

Children may also ask whether they’ll get it too. Answer honestly, and if you know of a specific family concern, a doctor can discuss it.

Where can we find help and resources?

The Alzheimer’s Association offers resources for children and teens and runs a free 24/7 Helpline at 800.272.3900 for families. For the grief that can come well before a death, see our guide on ambiguous loss, which can help adults put words to what children also feel.

This is general educational information, not medical or mental health advice. If a child seems very distressed, a pediatrician, school counselor, or mental health professional can help.