Caring for a Spouse or Partner: What Changes and What Helps

When your husband, wife, or partner needs care, you are not only a caregiver. You are still a spouse, and the person you care for is still the person you chose. That mix is what makes this different from caring for a parent. This article covers what changes, what the research does and does not show, and what can help.

How common is this, and how hard is it?

Caregiving is very common, and it is demanding. AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving estimated that 63 million Americans were family caregivers in 2025. Nearly one in four gave 40 or more hours of care a week, and one-third had been caregiving for five years or more. One in five reported fair or poor health, and nearly one in four said they struggled to care for their own health. The Center to Advance Palliative Care, summarizing the report, adds that 64 percent reported moderate or high emotional stress and 45 percent reported physical strain. These figures cover all family caregivers, not only spouses.

Are spouses different from other caregivers?

In some ways. A Health Affairs study of married older adults in their last years of life found that 55 percent of the spouses of people living at home with a disability were caregiving alone. Solo caregiving was common even when the spouse had dementia or adult children lived nearby.

Whether spouses fare worse than adult children is not settled. A study of social isolation notes that research remains equivocal, and that some studies find spouses report less burden. A Caregiver Health Effects Study followed 818 older spouses for five years and found that those who moved into heavy caregiving had more symptoms of depression, and poorer health and health habits. One small study of Chinese American caregivers found spouses reported higher subjective burden and more depressive symptoms than adult children, and worried more about what would happen if they died first. That is one small study, so treat it as a clue and not a rule.

What changes in the relationship?

Mental Health America names two common shifts when you move from partner to partner and caregiver: changing expectations, as you take on more of the planning and household work, and changes in intimacy, since your partner’s symptoms or side effects can affect energy and desire. A University of Illinois Extension tip sheet says power struggles can follow if the person who is ill is reluctant to hand over finances or decisions, and that the healthier partner may miss physical closeness.

The Alzheimer Society of Canada adds that if your spouse always handled the money, those tasks may fall to you, you may lose some of the companionship you had, and other relatives may not accept the illness.

Some things help. The Illinois tip sheet suggests including your spouse in decisions, encouraging them to do as much as they can, and avoiding taking over tasks until you must. The Caregiver Action Network warns that overprotection can damage the relationship and your partner’s self-esteem. Mental Health America advises talking honestly about intimacy and keeping a social life and coping skills outside the relationship, because you are more than a caregiver or a partner.

What help is available?

Every state runs a National Family Caregiver Support Program through its Area Agencies on Aging. It offers five kinds of help: information, help getting services, counseling, support groups, and training, respite care, and limited supplemental services. The Eldercare Locator, a public service of the federal Administration on Aging, can find your local agency at 1-800-677-1116.

If your spouse is a veteran, the VA Caregiver Support Line is 1-855-260-3274. If your spouse has dementia, the Alzheimer’s Association 24/7 Helpline, 1-800-272-3900, is free and confidential.

How do I keep my own health from slipping?

Keep your own medical appointments, and use respite so you can rest. See Caregiver Burnout and Respite Care.

What if I get sick, or die first?

It is a real worry for many spouses. Make sure you have your own health care proxy and financial agent, and ask an attorney about backups. See When Your Spouse Needs Care: Legal and Financial Steps.

What if we are not married?

Decision-making authority works differently for unmarried partners. See Hospital Visitation and Medical Decisions for Unmarried Partners.

What do we still not know?

Studies differ in who they follow and how they measure strain, so no single figure fits every couple. How a particular relationship changes depends on the illness, the couple, and the support they have.

Where can I learn more?

See Becoming a Caregiver: What Changes First, Anticipatory Grief, and Ambiguous Loss: Grieving Someone With Dementia Who Is Still Alive.